ELLISON BLOG THINGS TO PONDER...

STRUGGLE!

2011-01-29T23:44:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends,

Today I found myself struggling! My heart was heavy with many weighty things baring down on it. Have you ever found yourself thinking about what it is you desire more than anything in the world? That was me, Today.

First, I want to say sorry...I do photography when I can and it is still a great passion in my life, but I no longer get to practice it as much as I would like because of other important things that capture my attention these days. To those of you that I have expressed the desire to capture your beautiful moments and have not been able to I feel terrible. I know that we have not set dates but I still feel terrible because I desire to do it and my intentions are pure, I just simply do not have that many hours in a day. Please forgive me for expressing my desire and not making time to follow through.

Second, I work for a wonderful company and I love what I do but there are some aspects I could surely do without...ie, PAPERWORK! I struggle because I have a heart to help kids in the capacity of LOVING them and feel that I get so stressed about the paperwork that I suck at my job. Kids deserve more than a stressed case worker...I am working hard to try and give that to them. I know we all have our weaknesses and I am telling you...THIS paperwork thing is mine. I feel like I never get away from it because I think about it at home during rest times and at the gym and during my quiet times. I never leave it at work. How in the world do we leave this stuff at work when we have audits, deadlines and supervisions and other things counting on it. Please share this with me if you know.

Third, I am finding myself doubting who I am. Who am I? If only there were perfect answers for this. I do not feel that I FIT anywhere. I feel like the outcast or the weird girl most of the time. I do not understand why this bothers me. I feel like a loner. I am not the "chat with my girlfriends about everything" type and I am not the girl that has a close group of friends. Sure I have many friends but not close to the heart spill your guts friends and I am bothered by this. I believe we as humans desire this kind of fellowship and please don't get me wrong, I have been invited to go places and be around people, I just do not go I seem to find an excuse all the time. A long time ago I would have jumped at the opportunity to get out and go but I have become a dormant creature with little social life. I believe part of the reason may be because of my inability to understand my value.

Fourth, my greatest desire is to inspire struggling children and families through motivational messages of the Gospel and singing praises of what the LORD has done in my life. I have a CD coming out and I am terrified because it is all pulling together and I feel like a failure in so many other areas, I am afraid of failing at this too. I allow myself to fear the unknown sometimes and I doubt things that I know I should not. I have a problem with trying to pretend everything is okay in my life because I need to help others but I know if I am not vulnerable then I will be ineffective.

Fifth, I have a wonderful supportive husband that I do not want to burden with all of these fears, so I thought I could burden you all so that this load could be disbursed between more than just him. I am not looking for a pity party...I am simply sharing my honest heart in hopes to get it all out and feel clear again...(and maybe to receive a little encouragement here). I know God is teaching me alot through this...one thing is for sure and I just want to be a woman of honesty, grace, and LOVE. Thank you for your time in reading this mess and I would appreciate your prayers and advise.

Love Stephanie Ellison, MEd

Little Cowgirl Boots

2010-06-29T10:29:00.000-07:00

As I stood in that parking lot of what seemed to be the grungiest building in the Big Country I just knew I was in the wrong place. I gazed up at the big words written above the entrance of the old high school building and noticed I was not only in the right place but we were to far out of town to turn back now. As I approached the front door with Abby, Emma and my Husband (who had a big smile on his face) I was honestly nervous. Nervous of what you may ask? Well I CAN’T dance and I just knew I was going to have to dance. I may be a musician but I have no rhythm when it comes to dancing around on a wooden floor. I hate dancing and I am terrible at following someone’s lead, just ask my husband. Anyway we walked in the front door passing through a tunnel of elderly people with bright smiles, seemingly ready to pinch the cheeks of our little people in pink cowboy boots. As we approached the front counter next to the 18th century coke machine I could not help but notice the basket of candy right on the corner of the table. This was not the modern favorites like Hershey’s or skittles but instead it was filled with butterscotch, cinnamon candies and you guessed it…peppermints. Right above the basket of candy was a lady collecting the cover charge. As this lady looked at me and I her I could not help but notice her very BIG very Hair sprayed hair and her blue and white flannel shirt. She softly said “it will be five dollars for you two and the six year old is a dollar and the little one is free. We handed her the money and she kindly said thank you and asked us to sign in. After we left the entrance of that hallway we walked through the door to an old wooden gym floor that had been transformed into the biggest dance floor I had ever seen. I must point out that my eyes started watering from the moment we walked in because of the horrific smell of a huge variety of musky old perfume these women were wearing. Anyway we walked in and I went straight to a seat and started praying I would be able to make the excuse that I needed to observe. As I looked around and pretended to be busy I noticed my husband was looking at me with his hand out as if to say “I did not drive all this way for you not to dance with me steph”. I hesitantly grabbed his hand and walked to the floor only to prove myself right by stepping all over his toes and the inability to follow the lead of my groom. The girls had a blast dancing and I loved watching Danny dance with them as well. I become aware of quite a few things that made me smile. One thing is certain and that is just because they have some years on us does not mean they can’t dance circles around us as far as energy goes. I had to get some water because I got dehydrated just watching them. They all had smiles on their faces and I soon began to understand their reason for wearing so much perfume, they did not want to smell bad from sweating, at least that is what I am conjuring in my own mind. Another observation I made was how the men treated their ladies like royalty. This is the kind of sweet royalty found in the sweet movies or love stories.held them tightly when they shuffled their feet across the huge wooden dance floor. to be cherishing every step they danced.er and her friend came and danced as well and showed me some moves and after we sat down they were approached by a ticked off old couple saying “that is our seat” with no smile or even a hint that it was just a simple mistake on our part. I noticed something rather unusual in a dance party kind of setting and that was that they had a pot luck dinner. Each brought when the band took a break everyone made their way to the old kitchen for a variety of food and many sweets. Our little people specifically liked the red jello and sprite. Everyone grabbed their plates of food and ate until the band returned for some line dancing fun. All of this to day I loved watching our little people dance in their little cowgirl boots!

That is How I Know He Speaks To Me

2010-03-19T14:06:00.000-07:00

The other day I was driving to work and I noticed a lady at the street light waiting to walk across to the bus stop...This woman was average build with dark stringy hair bundled in clothes because it was cold enough to see your breath when you exhale. As I passed her I noticed her head was down and she looked sad. As I passed I also felt God tug on my spirit...Go back and get her...Give her a ride. This would not have been a problem if I had not promised my husband I would no longer pick up strangers...(Don't Ask) Anyway I turned around at the next light and part of me was hoping the bus had already come because I did not want to be a disobedient wife...but when I got there she was there so I rolled down my window and said ma'am can I give you a ride somewhere? With a grateful voice she said yes that would be nice of you. I unlocked the door and let her in and asked "where are you going?" "I am going to the hospital" she replied. I looked at her and said "what is wrong?" She replied "I have pneumonia and I cannot breath". I looked over at her again and noticed that she looked familiar...What is your name? "R---" I looked at her in shock "R---"! It has been almost eight months since I have seen you! How have you been? With excitement she said I stopped using drugs and came to see you at your work a few months ago but you were at school...I wanted to tell you! I also got my own apartment...and I will graduate with my vet tech license in April! I was so excited for her...She looked so good! I told her that I would love to go to her graduation. See R--- is a woman whom I have prayed for many times throughout the last three years. She looked healthier than she had before and she even fixed her hair and put on some makeup. The whole moral of this story is I did not go back on my word to my husband and I reunited with a friend whom I had been praying for to be healed by the LORD! This is how I know He speaks to me...that little tug that made me turn around and offer one act of kindness!
Love You R---!

I Love our Girls

2010-03-02T08:32:00.000-08:00

Emma was hanging out with me again this morning playing a matching game and winning while I got ready for work "oh the joys of being a kiddo...all play no work"! Than when we got into the car and started going to her school I turned on the radio to AIR1 of course and the song that goes "Lift your hands up high were singing wo-o-wo-o-o-wo-o-wo-o-o" I looked in the mirror and her hands were up in the air and she was singing while her little head was bobbing to the beat! It is so cute to see that little four year old singing to Jesus! She is amazing! I love my family!

SNOW

2010-02-26T15:09:00.000-08:00

Abby Emma and I decided to go outside and build a snowgirl after I got off work the other day! We had so much fun. Abby and Emma would run across the field and sing songs to me as I rolled the little snowball to them. I had fun watching them watch me...sigh. Did anyone know it was so hard to build a snowgirl. How in the world do people make these giant six feet tall snowmen? I did good just to get a little three footer maybe. Anyway it was so fun spending the evening with the girls while daddy cooked dinner..."he didn't want to get cold"! He is amazing. After we dressed Lilly the Snowgirl in her hat shades and scarf we had to give her a smile. Abby said "we should make a smile out of yellow paper" I thought that was a great idea. I got the paper and cut out a mouth, paper-clipped it in and she was the prettiest snowgirl ever oh and we can't forget the star earrings!!! Let us know what you think!

Intentions...

2010-02-21T13:34:00.000-08:00

If I act on the feelings that I hold inside of me I would be acting as a fool. If someone feels the need to hurt you should you allow that hurt to penetrate a seed of bitterness? If you do allow the wrong someone else has committed against you to hurt, should you let it be known that you are hurting when people ask? If not, is it prideful to pretend that everything is okay when you do not feel it is? Would you agree that all people are different and that we all internalize things differently? We all respond to pain differently? The bible said to consider it joy when you face trials yet it feels so fake to do that in other peoples timing because it also said there is a time for everything, like grieving. I am grieving...I do not want to make others look bad but deep inside I feel rejected and my heart is aching with grief and disappointment. Why should I be expected to just be okay with everything just because of who I am...I know that I am not allowing anyone to know what is going on if you are reading this but WHY am I expected to just let it go and forget that it hurts? I am just wondering...if your intentions were not to hurt me why do you seem not to care that I am hurting?

Morning with EMMA

2010-02-03T20:38:00.000-08:00

This Morning I had the opportunity to spend some much needed time with little EMMA! We did each others hair and makeup and laughed and played with jewelry! I let Emma brush the eyeshadow on my eyelids and she let me powder her nose and blush her cheeks! As I was applying her lip gloss on her tiny lips I thought about women and our nature of wanting to be beautiful. I thought about how this was a moment that I should take as a teachable one. I looked at Emma and placed my hands on her shoulders...I kissed her little forehead and said I want you to remember something okay...She said in a sweet soft voice okay...I then looked into her beautiful little eyes and said we wear make-up for fun and also to feel good sometimes on a bad skin day but make-up is not what makes us beautiful. We are beautiful without make-up or jewelry and even if our hair is messy...Emma you are beautiful no matter what the world says and no matter who your compare yourself to. Your smile is beautiful, your heart is beautiful, your personality is beautiful...and you my sweet girl are so beautiful. I LOVE YOU! She looked at me and said I LOVE YOU and we are beautiful girls. Then I had to take a picture! Enjoy and remember you are beautiful...Do not compare yourself to the other beautiful girls in this world. We are all a masterpiece...a creation of LOVE!!!

The Brother I Never Had

2010-01-12T11:25:00.000-08:00

Today I thought about him. He was a man from my past. He was the one I had dreamed about. This man was just a boy when his innocence was taken by people who should have provided security and protection from the harmful violence he faced. I often wonder if that life hadn't been his fate if he would have turned on his own presence the way he did.

Tragic it was, the way he stole his own life from us. By us I am speaking of those who had dreamed of him. I wonder if he knew. I often dreamed of myself being a mature woman with a family and children instead of the incompetent little sister. It turned out so differently in my imagination. I could see our children playing in the fields that surrounded his house, and his little girls teaching mine how to dress as a princess and walk in heals and even how to swim in their pool. I pictured the table ready for a feast on the special holiday of Thanksgiving as we all gathered around and spoke of the great things that we were thankful for. I dreamed of him and his family and myself and my family bonding as we, the adults, drank coffee and talked about the weather or the simple things in life. We would all watch our children grow and teach them how to Love the way we were never taught by our own. All of these things were yet dreams that will never be. Why? Because he let go and decided to rob us all of what would have been that beautiful dream becoming a reality.

I miss you so much and I am sorry that you will never know my husband and children because they are so beautiful. Most importantly I am sorry they will never know you.

David Dooley

2010-01-08T13:12:00.000-08:00

In Better Hands
Natalie Grant
It's hard to stand on shifting sand
It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night
You can't be free if you don't reach for help
You cant love if you dont love yourself

There is hope when my faith runs out
Cause I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

I am strong all because of you
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone
I am safe from this moment on

There's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now

It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now

I found myself mourning the death of a friend on January 4, 2010. David Dooley was Born on May 16, 1918. He was a hard man with a soft core. Not many people had the privilege of seeing his soft side but I was one of the few. I met Mr. Dooley when I started working for Freedom Motors almost three years ago. This man would come into my office and talk. I would listen with open ears. The one thing that broke my heart about him was the grip he was losing on life. He wanted to Go so bad. One of the things he repeatedly said was "God is punishing me for all the bad things I guess by keeping me here this long." "You don't want to live this long girl" he would say as his body shook with pain. I just smiled and said "God is not done with you yet Mr. Dooley." "He would reply with I wish he would just hurry up." As I heard these comments over and over and witnessed the pain Mr. Dooley was experiencing I could not help but to pray for him and ask God for His will to be done. As I prayed I knew God had a plan. The final day I was blessed with his presence David said "how old are your kids?" I replied "four and five" He then said "I am going to get them a Christmas Present" By saying this he was revealing his LOVE for children and his Caring heart. The last thing I remember saying to him was "I am praying for you David!" He replied with "I need it so keep doing it!" I then said "I love you" and he said "I love you too your a good kid!" I am glad those were our final words!

Scott was one of Davids biggest companions. He would come in and sit with Scott and laugh and complain about living to him as well. Scott would offer laughs and comfort and talk with Mr. Dooley about Christs Love and Power. He shared how if he would receive His Love than he could be redeemed. The one thing that David carried with him was all the "bad" things he had done in life. He did not feel he was worthy of forgiveness. He thought he was not worthy of redemption. He would ask Scott "are you sure? How do you know?" Scott assured him of Gods word being divine, over and over again. I think one of the reasons he came here so often is because we would listen to him as he vented and cleared his mind. We are thankful God allowed him to feel safe here.

The Sunday before he passed Mr. Dooley sat at home and watched a sermon from the St. Paul United Methodist church on TV. His wife said that as he listened to the preacher speak about salvation and prayer he put his head in his hands and rested his elbows on his knees and sat in silence for at least 30 minutes. After he finished he got up and had a good day and passed the next day.

The neat thing about this story is that GOD was not punishing Mr. Dooley, He was waiting for his 91 year old child to recieve His Grace to enter the thrownroom of Heaven! I believe my dear friend is sitting at the feet of Jesus thanking Him for his Grace and Mercy and LOVE! Thank you Lord for being patient with our dear friend. David Dooley you will be missed but we know this was a bitter sweet goodbye! Love ya!

Steph
AKA: The Good Kid!

"2010"

2010-01-01T13:40:00.000-08:00

so it is 2010! What are your goals for this year! I have many friends who have said they do not have a Resolution because they always drop them and I guess this makes them feel like failures! Here is how I see it...it is not bad to set some goals and try to reach them. I know sometimes we fail at giving our goals 100% but I want to encourage all of you to just pick them right back up and keep going!!! It is good to fail sometimes because it lets you know you are apart of the human race! If you give up you will feel like a failure...if you fail but keep going you will feel the wonderful power of Perseverance. This will bring Joy and maturation into your lives!!! So for 2010 Set some goals and chase them. Mine are of course to be fit...Love my husband and girls better by serving them with Joy...Stay focused on the LORD in the midst of my busy life...and to journal more! I think these things will help me live life to the Fullest as GOD desires for me and my life! I love you all! Have a wonderful day and year!

This is our Jan. 1, 2010 photo!!!

First one of the year!

Steph

The Last Day of The YEAR!!!

2009-12-31T13:18:00.000-08:00

So today is officially the last day of the year...How is it that when you are kids the years go by so slow yet when you are adults they shove their way through your lives before you can blink five times? I don't know about you, but I have had a wonderful year! I pray God blesses you this coming 2010!

I pray you see His Grace in the sunrise and His Face in the sunset! Know that you were made to live...To truly Live! What does that mean? Well it means to chase those dreams you never thought were possible...It means to Face the fears that keep you down...It means to drink from the fullness of GOD because His cup will fill you when you are dry...it means to Hear the children and remember how fast time passes us by so we must not waste one moment...not one moment...do not be lazy...do not wish you had what you do not need...press on and move forward counting your moments as a wonderful legacy for those you LOVE to remenice on after you step to the other side of life! Love without limits for this will give you more passion for life and for people!

Legacy
By: Nichole Nordeman

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much
I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough to make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy
Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

I love you all and Happy New Year! Love Stephanie Ellison

"2009"

2009-12-30T10:18:00.000-08:00

I thought since we were approaching a New Year in two days I would write about our 2009 adventure!

This past year was so amazing...we were all in school: Danny at Liberty, Abby in elementary, Emma in Pre-School, and I am still at HSU finishing my Masters! We have been stretched this year with this because we have been so busy.

Danny completed 21 hours this past semester with a GPA of 3.73!!! Go Danny...and this will allow him to go forward in the schooling process to get his Masters as well. When we attended Abby's parent teacher conference her teacher had nothing but positive things to say about her...She commented on how Abby was every teachers dream child...She also said that Abby was ahead of most of the other children in her class. We are so proud of her for working so hard and for learning so fast. Emma has developed such a personality from School...she has learned how to do so many things like write her full name and say her numbers and letters all the way through. She is so cute and her teacher says she is such a joy to be around...we all agree. I finished this December with half of my Masters Degree..I have 24 hours left to be FINISHED!!! My GPA this semester is a 3.5...YEAH!!! I am only saying this to allow those who have pushed me through school to read it and know that your encouragement is working! School is the biggest part of our lives right now, but it will soon fade into careers and activities.

The Church has really played a huge role in our maturation throughout this last year. We have been challenged to Worship so much deeper now than ever before. God has been so faithful in providing for our needs emotionally, physically and spiritually. Danny has worked so hard to establish a place of FREE worship during the music at church. It is so encouraging to watch as our church grows in their freedom to raise their hands and sing to the top of their lungs to the LORD or to kneel before the LORD in worship. We have seen a transformation and it has blessed us so much this year. Our Pastor has also stretched us to endure challenges and to press into the WORD with everything we have and to learn it not just read it. We did a study of the Psalms this semester and it has been so impactful. I have written about 10 new songs through this series and cannot wait to use them. It is hard to imagine where we would be without our church family. The women or SPC are so encouraging to me...they have made me strive to be a better wife and mother to my family. They have taught me to be patient as I am faced with certain trials in my journey. I am so excited about the study we will be doing this year called Breaking Free by Beth Moore. I have watched my wonderful Danny grow while he has been apart of the men's ministry. He has been encouraged by his table leader Steve in so many ways and he has felt empowered every time he leaves that class room! I am so excited to see where God takes the men and Women at SPC! I know he has wonderful promises for us if we are faithful. Abby and Emma have grown so much in Sunday School as well...The Wrights are so wonderful in leading them. Abby wanted her big girl bible to take with her because she is encouraged by Shawn to read her bible in Sunday School. The girls have brought home so many pictures for their scrapbook about Gods love for them. I believe their leaders at church have teamed with us to teach them how to LOVE with Gods Love. This was just a little highlight of what has been happening to us through our church family...there is so much more that God has done. We LOVE SPC!

Our Family. Wow what would life be like without you guys! Yes we know we have been a bit hermit crabish, but we are so thankful for your love and support and understanding during this busy time in our lives. We feel your support even if we don't see you every week! When we are not at school, church, or work we are so busy with rest...YES REST...we need rest sometimes. lol! With that said we are thankful for your willingness to understand this is just a small step in our life. We love you so much.

Well I guess that is all I will write for now. We have had a wonderful year and we know 2010 will be Wonderful too! We have so many goals this next year! Enjoy the photos of the year!

Steph

This Christmas

2009-12-29T10:43:00.000-08:00

This Christmas was beautiful! We are so blessed to have the wonderful little family we have and the beautiful support from our friends and family both near us and far away! Abby and Emma woke up Christmas to a beautiful White Christmas and set their feet towards the Christmas Tree. They were so excited to recieve their gifts...but they started the morning by singing Happy Birthday to Jesus! It was so cute to see them sing to the LORD on this beautiful morning. They opened their gifts and seemed so excited with each one. They did have favorite gifts and Abbys was a new Bible...because one day she came to me and said mommy...I really want a big girl bible to take to church with me...I can read some of the words so I would like to take my own big girl bible to sunday school with me Please. Her Eyes were so big when she opened it...she said Thank You the whole day for the bible. Emma was so funny because all she wanted for Christmas were Purple Sheets with flowers on it and she got so excited when she opened them! I love how simple both of them are. Abby and Emma also bought Daddy and new Wallet for Christmas and paid for it with their own Piggy Bank money...so I posted a picture of them paying for it! It was s cute! They really are so special to us and there could never be enough words to explain our Love for them! I wanted to share a few pics from our day! Love you all!